Still

sniff sniff** Do you smell that? That’s the smell of fresh kiwi coffee being brewed.

whoosh*** Do you hear that? That’s the sound of the low tide creeping up on the beach.

crunch crunch*** Do you feel that? That’s the sand thats still stuck in your shoes from the other weekend’s play.

This is what my life has been like the past few. I don’t think I’ve ever really embraced my surroundings as much as I have been. From smells, to feelings, to noises, it’s actually quite beautiful. The stillness is actually quite beautiful. The stillness is actually quite refreshing.

When you have no other choice then to embrace your surroundings it can actually be quite pleasant and not as miserable as you’d assume. However, this change of perspective did not happen over night. It’s been in the works (still is) for months. I’ve almost had to force myself and allow myself all at once to slow down and just be. With doing so, I’ve been able to embrace the still small moments of life.

Wake up and smell the roses darling. Life isn’t as half bad! You don’t need an ocean, coffee or a new place to start have a new perspective. All you need is your mind and the desire to make that change, since you are the only one who has the control to do so. Forget the feelings of “I don’t feel changed” or I don’t feel like doing it today. If you rely on the feelings, you are already failing before you start. Embrace your work environment today, the fact you have a paycheck to allow you to have food and a roof over your head. Embrace the yummy food you get to eat every day or how about the nice clean water you get to shower in every day, might I say warm water if you’re lucky. Embrace the car that gets you to point a to point b instead of walking thru hot hot days or blistering freezing cold days.

Once you change that perspective of yours, life honestly starts to get more simple, more beautiful and more abundant.

XX,

S

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All Will Be Well

Traveling can be a bit lonely for many various reasons.

Recently, I had the opportunity to cross paths with a rad gal whom has heaps of commonalities with me. It was almost as if our paths were suppose to cross because how like-minded we are. It filled me with peace knowing I wasn’t the only one who thought the way I did. *belly laughing*

Allow me to introduce to you my newly founded gal pal, her name is Rylea.

Pronounced RI-LEY. 

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Her name already was awesome, so I had to be her friend. Anyway, This lady beams joy. She has that personality where it is so intoxicating you have to be her friend. In my case, when we met, we clicked instantaneously as if we have been mates our whole lives or even separated at birth. Who knows? It’s quite lovely meeting someone on the other side of the world who is very like-minded as you, it makes you think where have you been my whole life… why haven’t we met? Especially where she resides in the mountainous state of Montana, it’s only a few states north from where I reside. && not to mention her love for Patagonia is almost on the same level as me, if not higher. Now, that’s a first. 

Even though our time of meeting has been brief, Rylea has already inspired me in such a way I am very thankful we crossed paths in an absurd uncommon way. Her perspective on life makes me want to do life, daily. Ironic?  The other day, she spoke words that really impacted me heaps, it has basically become my daily mantra.

“Oh life changed on you, PLOT TWIST!” 

How optimistic is that? Just those simple two words, allowed my perspective on life to broaden that much more. Let me remind you, I’ve only known her for a couple of weeks, and she has already made such an impact. When it comes to having friends, Rylea has reminded me that a friend does not mean a long timeline of history together, it just simply means being authentic and enjoying each others presence at any time of day, hour and or minute. She also reminded me that despite traveling, a friend can come about, you just need to step out of your comfort zone to do so. Thank you for teaching me so much already. You are truly a friend that someone desires to have in their life. You uplift people in more ways than you probably know. *grabs a tissue*

So, to all my traveling gals, pals, gypsies and wanderers, you’re truly never alone. Find yourself a friend who will inspire, motivate, make you laugh, dances their booty off w/ you, and appreciates who you are with all the obnoixous singing and honesty that comes along. Or in other words, find yourself a Rylea and all will be well.

Here’s to a blossoming friendship sweet friend!

xx,

S

Life, Ya Know?

I am trying to figure out a way to explain what it feels like to have panic attack but not know it’s a panic attack… let’s try this.

You’re laying in bed in your apartment alone, trying to go to sleep. You’re the only one home since you’re single, haha but true story.

You’re about to fall asleep but then your thoughts hit you like usual. It starts out small but before you know it, you’re down that rabbit hole and cannot seem to find an exit so something never before happens.

You feel a bit weird.

Almost as if you’re going to throw up, maybe? It’s not your period, it’s not the flu because you were perfect 2 minutes ago, it’s not dinner, but maybe it was the water you drank… Ah ha, it was the water because there were floaters in the brand-new water bottle, that was packed and sealed tight as can be. It was probably chemicals that accidentally dropped inside and now you are going to die because it’s poisonous. Since it’s poisonous think about your last words, think about who you should text, call, wait there’s not enough time so just cry because before you know it, you’ll be dead.

Oh, wait it’s just gas…

No, what’s going on, my heart is pounding so fast.

Hold on, you’re about to vomit. So you run into the bathroom to look at yourself to see if you’re pale but also to try and snap yourself out of what seems like a dream… not joking.

Then, you see in the mirror that your ears are burning red, your face is flushed, your pupils are HUGE and to top it off, there’s a massive pounding in your ear which makes things much scarier. In this moment, you know the floaters that were in the sealed brand new bottle are in your body which is causing you to die. You then, start to sweat a bit and all of the sudden…

Trying to gasp for “AIR!”

You forget to breathe and have no idea what it means to breathe so you feel like your suffocating, while you can’t see anything and you are burning up now. Then, your thoughts are “this is it” I’m going to die. Right here, alone in this apartment, by myself whilst no one knows. Ok cool, not how I pictured it. And bam, you can breathe normal again, your heart starts to slow down and your pupils are back to normal size. Oh, and you really need to take a poo. <— This does happen to some after an attack because your body is in flight for life mode and the adrenaline that gets kicked in flows through your body which can cause you to let go of bowel movement control.

Freshman year of college was the first time I have ever experienced something like that before. Later on, I found out it was clinically known as a panic attack.

I have never been more scared in my life than in moments like that. I can’t tell you how many I have had, but all I can say is, it’s embarrassing and so incredibly scary. You have no control over your body during those seconds or even minutes. Thank goodness mine have only lasted about a good minute at the longest but the worse thing about it, it happens randomly. It never comes with warning signs, it never comes after a certain thing I say, think about or even chat about.

It just happens.

I am also a hypochondriac which can be another form of anxiety, yay. But, in other words I am a ticking time bomb that is about to go off. From drinking water, to driving, to life and just eating food, my mind is so fragile sometimes I can’t even leave my bed or open my eyes. It tortures me to have anxiety and to be depressed. Also, to be a hypochondriac and to have panic attacks but you know what?

That’s life.

It happens to the best of us… or so I tell myself (; But really, living life in fear of literally everything including friendships and relationships or keeping myself alive, it’s exhausting. Which then, exhaustion can be a recipe for some anxiety so really, it’s a never-ending cycle.

I kid you not, I am giving myself anxiety right now as I am typing this. However, in order to be free from something acceptance is the first key. Speaking it out loud, hearing yourself say it, changes the whole game. And you want to know something else? Struggling through life, IS OK. Having issues, struggles and fears, it’s ok! Sitting with that and accepting where you are at, brings more healing in that moment than ignoring it and running from it for years on end.

I have to daily remind myself every morning to take a chill pill, literally my medication that my doc prescribed me because 10 years of self-help can only work so much haha. On a serious note, I am constantly talking to myself in a way of speaking truth. Reminding myself with verses, with quotes, songs, you name it. And honestly, it’s getting better each day. Yes, I have hiccups and have really low days but I snap right out of it since my mind does not have control over me anymore. I, myself will choose whether or not I will live with this issue anymore. We are called to live an abundant life, so and abundant life I shall live.

Here’s to being free, healed and alive!!

XOXO,

S

Moving On

You have no idea the anxiety I am getting just thinking about this shit. I am so embarrassed to share this information because my ego is like “Sierra, come on that happened years ago, get over it.” Ugh, I hate this but I know I need to do this.

Majority of us know what high school is, right?

Ok, well for me, it was not like the movies that’s for sure. It was basically hell on earth for me. No, I am not exaggerating, it was indeed hell on earth. Ask my mum.

I was bullied, left out, constantly made fun of, put down, name called, forgotten about, walked on and just plain treated like shit by my “friends.”

I too, though, bullied, put down and name called. So it was what you can call, a tango.

Uh, seriously this is so hard to type but what’s really interesting and funny is that conversations and situations are coming up like it happened yesterday.

This is for the bully and the bullied:

You’ve heard it before and should really take it into consideration of what it really means.

Do you really know their story?

It’s unfortunate for some who are in the ages between 14-17 who fail to recognize what they say can have a TREMENDOUS effect on any person, good or bad. No matter how “cool” you want to look or “shitty” your life may be. Words can give life and take life.

This is where I choose to give grace to the bullies who do not deserve grace or the benefit of the doubt because how I was treated was unacceptable. It was so unacceptable that I spiraled into a deeper darker place of depression, anxiety and minor suicidal thoughts because at the young age of 11 I was just in the early stages of depression from so many unfortanate events, to just feeling left out. My 4 years of choosing to be surrounded by these people only harmed my emotional being that much more, but during that time, I had no idea. If you think “well how could she possible still be effected, it happened long ago.” Crappy thing is, it doesn’t go away if you never talk about it. Just like anything else. I am currently still in a position with depression/anxiety but I am at the stage of seeing the light at the end of tunnel because GOD IS so so GOOD. But seriously, He is the key to freedom and He is the healer for the hurt. That’s a different blog for a different day though.

Anyway, back to high school.

I have no idea why I was treated the way I was, honestly.

I have no idea why I was too this certain sentace from someone whom I thought was my “friend and classmate.” It has haunted me for years.

Sierra, you’re a stupid bitch.”

WHAT?

Why the heck would you ever say that to someone? Why would you say that to someone who is struggling so hard, in that moment that could have been a tipping point for them. Why would you even say that in general… why do you think you can talk to someone like that? Who do you think you are? During this emotional shaking moment that was taken place during Junior English studies class, everyone had to of heard it since it was bloody loud, but funny thing again. I had “friends” in that class who didn’t say a thing or even stand up for me. Oh and that teacher that said “I’m not getting into this.” All I could think in that moment was: Haha, thanks friends oh, and helpful caring teacher, thanks for being a teacher!

Those people who were in my class, who verbally abused me, who didn’t stand up for me, they claimed to be a “family”, and signed the I love you sign” during assemably…but let’s be honest. It sounds great on paper however, family does not treat each other the way we did.

No one ever asked me what was going on, why I was pissed off all the time, why I never went to school, why I hated to be home, or why I put on a stupid awful party and invited my “friends” to it.

But… maybe you did seek out and I just didn’t hear it at the time, so I do apologize for that. From what I can clearly remember, I do not recall such act since during the various high school ages and times, it’s all about me and benefiting your status or name in a time that will go by quicker than you know…psh high school.

It’s really about who you surrounded yourself with, right? Obviously knowing that now. However, during high school, majority of us just want to be accepted by everyone. We want to be liked by everyone and be cool. So, we will do and say just about anything to be classified as a term of endearment known as cool.

Today, I don’t care about being cool, I care about others and how they feel, I care about feelings and being careful with that I say. Thus, I want to apologize to ALL the people I bullied in high school. What I did was NOT ok. It was rude, hurtful and not life-giving at all. No one ever deserves to be treated the way I treated them. I did not know better then and just reacted out of hurt. However, I do not want that to seem like an excuse. This is where I want to ask for grace, because I did not know better. We were all immature and only go off by what we know.

Now, something I want to say.

As bitter as I may have been 5 minutes ago about the people who bullied me, typing out my thoughts have really allowed a lot of clarity and just freedom, incredibly joyful freedom. I never thought I would say this or actually want this to happen but I want to forgive every person who bullied me and made me feel like shit throughout my 4 years of school. I want to forgive you because I want healing. I do not want to live in the past anymore and allow old thoughts, emotions and conversations to affect me in the here and now present. I want to forgive you because I believe you deserve it. If there’s one thing I have learned from Christs’ character, it’s forgiveness. He forgives me… He forgives me. It’s crazy to think all that I’ve done in my life, He can forgive me, especially bully people. But, I forgive because Christ forgives. I forgive because I want to not because I have to. I forgive you because well, I am finally choosing so.

Kindest regards,

Former classmate and student.