Broken

As this post was coming about in my mind, the first thought was such a STRONG reminder why I want to chat about this. Why I want to bring light to such a situation that we forget so easily and probably believe at the same time.

At times I’ve held back from posting certain blogs because I wasn’t “there” yet. I did not think I was not in a position to give advice to all my sisters and brothers in Christ because I was sinning and or struggling myself.

HOLD THE PHONE.

Do we just stop sinning when we are set free from one struggle or addiction OR are even forgiven from a certain sin. No, no, no and NO!

I, myself, am struggling in this moment with sin. As I said, I felt so unworthy to speak about something that can be so contradicting. Well, I was reminded in this moment with one powerful, bold word. GRACE! God’s grace is sufficient for us. In other words, HE. IS. ENOUGH. Despite the dirtyhabitual, “fill in the blank” sin, sweet brother and sister, God sees you white as snow. He sees you as perfection. He has more than enough grace for His kids. He created grace, so just think about that for a second. 

Without a doubt, I HATE sinning. I hate making the same mistake over and over and over and over again. Whether it’s purity, lying, pride, addiction, affair, pornography, manipulation, etc etc, whatever the struggle you and I may have, do not speak lies over yourself that you are not worthy or “you do not deserve it” (we don’t). I’ve been there. You’ve been there, plenty of biblical people have been there as well. Jesus asks us to do simple little things and one of those is to stay strong in the word of God for times just like this. Speaking truth over yourself because your identity is NOT in those lies or sins. Your identity comes from Christ and Christ alone.

So this is for ones who are broken as. Who are struggling, feeling unworthy, just can’t catch a breathe. We all are struggling with something, we all are born into a broken world which consequentely means we too, are broken. We all feel unworthy at times and less than. But do not let your feelings or negative thoughts be your answers.

Jesus is the answer.

Jesus determines your worth. Which, let me remind you, being a daughter or son of Christ you are co-heir’s with His kingdom. You are royalty. You are washed clean like snow and wrapped in Purple because who you belong to. I know you and I fight this daily but stand strong for we have the FULL armor of God protecting us from any type of lie, threat, physical, mental, and emotional attack. Our God is such a gracious loving God. Thank you Abba.

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Life, Ya Know?

I am trying to figure out a way to explain what it feels like to have panic attack but not know it’s a panic attack… let’s try this.

You’re laying in bed in your apartment alone, trying to go to sleep. You’re the only one home since you’re single, haha but true story.

You’re about to fall asleep but then your thoughts hit you like usual. It starts out small but before you know it, you’re down that rabbit hole and cannot seem to find an exit so something never before happens.

You feel a bit weird.

Almost as if you’re going to throw up, maybe? It’s not your period, it’s not the flu because you were perfect 2 minutes ago, it’s not dinner, but maybe it was the water you drank… Ah ha, it was the water because there were floaters in the brand-new water bottle, that was packed and sealed tight as can be. It was probably chemicals that accidentally dropped inside and now you are going to die because it’s poisonous. Since it’s poisonous think about your last words, think about who you should text, call, wait there’s not enough time so just cry because before you know it, you’ll be dead.

Oh, wait it’s just gas…

No, what’s going on, my heart is pounding so fast.

Hold on, you’re about to vomit. So you run into the bathroom to look at yourself to see if you’re pale but also to try and snap yourself out of what seems like a dream… not joking.

Then, you see in the mirror that your ears are burning red, your face is flushed, your pupils are HUGE and to top it off, there’s a massive pounding in your ear which makes things much scarier. In this moment, you know the floaters that were in the sealed brand new bottle are in your body which is causing you to die. You then, start to sweat a bit and all of the sudden…

Trying to gasp for “AIR!”

You forget to breathe and have no idea what it means to breathe so you feel like your suffocating, while you can’t see anything and you are burning up now. Then, your thoughts are “this is it” I’m going to die. Right here, alone in this apartment, by myself whilst no one knows. Ok cool, not how I pictured it. And bam, you can breathe normal again, your heart starts to slow down and your pupils are back to normal size. Oh, and you really need to take a poo. <— This does happen to some after an attack because your body is in flight for life mode and the adrenaline that gets kicked in flows through your body which can cause you to let go of bowel movement control.

Freshman year of college was the first time I have ever experienced something like that before. Later on, I found out it was clinically known as a panic attack.

I have never been more scared in my life than in moments like that. I can’t tell you how many I have had, but all I can say is, it’s embarrassing and so incredibly scary. You have no control over your body during those seconds or even minutes. Thank goodness mine have only lasted about a good minute at the longest but the worse thing about it, it happens randomly. It never comes with warning signs, it never comes after a certain thing I say, think about or even chat about.

It just happens.

I am also a hypochondriac which can be another form of anxiety, yay. But, in other words I am a ticking time bomb that is about to go off. From drinking water, to driving, to life and just eating food, my mind is so fragile sometimes I can’t even leave my bed or open my eyes. It tortures me to have anxiety and to be depressed. Also, to be a hypochondriac and to have panic attacks but you know what?

That’s life.

It happens to the best of us… or so I tell myself (; But really, living life in fear of literally everything including friendships and relationships or keeping myself alive, it’s exhausting. Which then, exhaustion can be a recipe for some anxiety so really, it’s a never-ending cycle.

I kid you not, I am giving myself anxiety right now as I am typing this. However, in order to be free from something acceptance is the first key. Speaking it out loud, hearing yourself say it, changes the whole game. And you want to know something else? Struggling through life, IS OK. Having issues, struggles and fears, it’s ok! Sitting with that and accepting where you are at, brings more healing in that moment than ignoring it and running from it for years on end.

I have to daily remind myself every morning to take a chill pill, literally my medication that my doc prescribed me because 10 years of self-help can only work so much haha. On a serious note, I am constantly talking to myself in a way of speaking truth. Reminding myself with verses, with quotes, songs, you name it. And honestly, it’s getting better each day. Yes, I have hiccups and have really low days but I snap right out of it since my mind does not have control over me anymore. I, myself will choose whether or not I will live with this issue anymore. We are called to live an abundant life, so and abundant life I shall live.

Here’s to being free, healed and alive!!

XOXO,

S

Moving On

You have no idea the anxiety I am getting just thinking about this shit. I am so embarrassed to share this information because my ego is like “Sierra, come on that happened years ago, get over it.” Ugh, I hate this but I know I need to do this.

Majority of us know what high school is, right?

Ok, well for me, it was not like the movies that’s for sure. It was basically hell on earth for me. No, I am not exaggerating, it was indeed hell on earth. Ask my mum.

I was bullied, left out, constantly made fun of, put down, name called, forgotten about, walked on and just plain treated like shit by my “friends.”

I too, though, bullied, put down and name called. So it was what you can call, a tango.

Uh, seriously this is so hard to type but what’s really interesting and funny is that conversations and situations are coming up like it happened yesterday.

This is for the bully and the bullied:

You’ve heard it before and should really take it into consideration of what it really means.

Do you really know their story?

It’s unfortunate for some who are in the ages between 14-17 who fail to recognize what they say can have a TREMENDOUS effect on any person, good or bad. No matter how “cool” you want to look or “shitty” your life may be. Words can give life and take life.

This is where I choose to give grace to the bullies who do not deserve grace or the benefit of the doubt because how I was treated was unacceptable. It was so unacceptable that I spiraled into a deeper darker place of depression, anxiety and minor suicidal thoughts because at the young age of 11 I was just in the early stages of depression from so many unfortanate events, to just feeling left out. My 4 years of choosing to be surrounded by these people only harmed my emotional being that much more, but during that time, I had no idea. If you think “well how could she possible still be effected, it happened long ago.” Crappy thing is, it doesn’t go away if you never talk about it. Just like anything else. I am currently still in a position with depression/anxiety but I am at the stage of seeing the light at the end of tunnel because GOD IS so so GOOD. But seriously, He is the key to freedom and He is the healer for the hurt. That’s a different blog for a different day though.

Anyway, back to high school.

I have no idea why I was treated the way I was, honestly.

I have no idea why I was too this certain sentace from someone whom I thought was my “friend and classmate.” It has haunted me for years.

Sierra, you’re a stupid bitch.”

WHAT?

Why the heck would you ever say that to someone? Why would you say that to someone who is struggling so hard, in that moment that could have been a tipping point for them. Why would you even say that in general… why do you think you can talk to someone like that? Who do you think you are? During this emotional shaking moment that was taken place during Junior English studies class, everyone had to of heard it since it was bloody loud, but funny thing again. I had “friends” in that class who didn’t say a thing or even stand up for me. Oh and that teacher that said “I’m not getting into this.” All I could think in that moment was: Haha, thanks friends oh, and helpful caring teacher, thanks for being a teacher!

Those people who were in my class, who verbally abused me, who didn’t stand up for me, they claimed to be a “family”, and signed the I love you sign” during assemably…but let’s be honest. It sounds great on paper however, family does not treat each other the way we did.

No one ever asked me what was going on, why I was pissed off all the time, why I never went to school, why I hated to be home, or why I put on a stupid awful party and invited my “friends” to it.

But… maybe you did seek out and I just didn’t hear it at the time, so I do apologize for that. From what I can clearly remember, I do not recall such act since during the various high school ages and times, it’s all about me and benefiting your status or name in a time that will go by quicker than you know…psh high school.

It’s really about who you surrounded yourself with, right? Obviously knowing that now. However, during high school, majority of us just want to be accepted by everyone. We want to be liked by everyone and be cool. So, we will do and say just about anything to be classified as a term of endearment known as cool.

Today, I don’t care about being cool, I care about others and how they feel, I care about feelings and being careful with that I say. Thus, I want to apologize to ALL the people I bullied in high school. What I did was NOT ok. It was rude, hurtful and not life-giving at all. No one ever deserves to be treated the way I treated them. I did not know better then and just reacted out of hurt. However, I do not want that to seem like an excuse. This is where I want to ask for grace, because I did not know better. We were all immature and only go off by what we know.

Now, something I want to say.

As bitter as I may have been 5 minutes ago about the people who bullied me, typing out my thoughts have really allowed a lot of clarity and just freedom, incredibly joyful freedom. I never thought I would say this or actually want this to happen but I want to forgive every person who bullied me and made me feel like shit throughout my 4 years of school. I want to forgive you because I want healing. I do not want to live in the past anymore and allow old thoughts, emotions and conversations to affect me in the here and now present. I want to forgive you because I believe you deserve it. If there’s one thing I have learned from Christs’ character, it’s forgiveness. He forgives me… He forgives me. It’s crazy to think all that I’ve done in my life, He can forgive me, especially bully people. But, I forgive because Christ forgives. I forgive because I want to not because I have to. I forgive you because well, I am finally choosing so.

Kindest regards,

Former classmate and student.

Just Think About It

High end cars, money, naked girls, drunk guys, intentional  PDA post, the #goals photo…

My brain is about to hit the snooze button as I lie in bed. All comfy and cozy in my sheets, with the fan on to create a cooler environment. But wait! I need to scroll through Instagram… because it’s out of habitual habit. Catch my drift?

As I am scrolling through the popular page on Instagram, that’s all I see. High end cars while awkwardly sitting in the front seat looking “wealthy AF.. right? That’s how you use AF, or that’s why the kids are saying these days.

Any who… Stacks on stacks because it’s payday so of course you need to brag. Naked girls, well girls in bikinis that shouldn’t even pass as fabric, drunk guys on spring break making regretful decisions, straddling couple because it’s cute and they’re “in love” and oh yeah below in the comments everyone says #goals.

As Jesus says, for what our heart breaks over, His breaks more.

I look at these photos, these provocative, sexual, soft porn, selfish, me me me, boasting, shallow photos of what people live and become so jealous for, my heart breaks! In other words, #goals.

IT IS SO SHALLOW.

I am serious when I say it. My heart breaks so much for this world. For where we are at, emotionally, spiturually and mentally. We have become such shallow, selfish humans and it completely and utterly breaks me.

This life is hell on earth for some and I couldn’t agree more. We rely so much on how many likes we get on a photo, I know you’ve heard this before but it’s true!! We rely so much on how to get the perfect angle, light, whatever it is. IT’S SHALLOW. We need to create this “look at me” lifestyle and it’s so sad. It’s sad that this is what majority of us worry about on a day to day basis. When there are actual life threatening issues going on in this world. And by world, I mean outside of the United States.

We have it SO well, almost too well because each day I bet some of us take it totally for granted, since it’s almost as if we deserve it because we live in such a country of high accessibility and opporunity.

Personally, it’s hard to do life sometimes because of the people I run into, see across at the coffee shop or just overhear while taking my daily walks. It just blows my mind of the problems that people worry over. I am not saying your problems are less than, at all. I am just simply saying, instead of sweating the materialistic stuff that will only benefit you and you only, may sweat over the massive stuff that can effect, your future, and your children’s future, yah? The time is now to figure out how the future will end up and I cannot imagine how much more selfish someone can get and how much more powerful the internet will be.

Stop getting angry at the government or the president for how shitty the world is… we the people of this country have free will. We have choices and if it’s going to be selfish from here on out, then… we are done for. However, if we decide to sweat over something that can effect your tomorrow, maybe some hearts will start to change and materialistic things will just become things. Maybe then, they will not have such a massive control on our daily lives anymore.

Get over the comparison game. Does that help you in any way? Does that benefit you in any way?

I am going to guess no and no.

SO WHY KEEP IT UP? Because that’s what the world says to do. Obsess over celebrities that are JUST LIKE US, they just so happen to have access to show off their talent in more ways than others. Or how about going crazy over what life that person has and how yours sucks. You have a roof? You have a food? You have clothes? You have clean water for showering and doing the dishes? You are living like a king or queen my friend!

I can imagine just a wee bit of what could happen if we put all the energy that we do through obsessing over social media and having the best of whatever or getting famous, into something that truly matters.

Politics, helping the hungry, going overseas and helping at orphanges or people you may know that are the less fortunate. How about including that person who is always left out or even putting down that phone and actually conversing with that person whom you asked to hang out with. Allowing common sense to become common sense, again. Just think where our world would be? I am not saying world peace but I am saying we could be more on the positive scale rather than the negative, envious, selfish, entitiled scale.

Just think about it.