Life, Ya Know?

I am trying to figure out a way to explain what it feels like to have panic attack but not know it’s a panic attack… let’s try this.

You’re laying in bed in your apartment alone, trying to go to sleep. You’re the only one home since you’re single, haha but true story.

You’re about to fall asleep but then your thoughts hit you like usual. It starts out small but before you know it, you’re down that rabbit hole and cannot seem to find an exit so something never before happens.

You feel a bit weird.

Almost as if you’re going to throw up, maybe? It’s not your period, it’s not the flu because you were perfect 2 minutes ago, it’s not dinner, but maybe it was the water you drank… Ah ha, it was the water because there were floaters in the brand-new water bottle, that was packed and sealed tight as can be. It was probably chemicals that accidentally dropped inside and now you are going to die because it’s poisonous. Since it’s poisonous think about your last words, think about who you should text, call, wait there’s not enough time so just cry because before you know it, you’ll be dead.

Oh, wait it’s just gas…

No, what’s going on, my heart is pounding so fast.

Hold on, you’re about to vomit. So you run into the bathroom to look at yourself to see if you’re pale but also to try and snap yourself out of what seems like a dream… not joking.

Then, you see in the mirror that your ears are burning red, your face is flushed, your pupils are HUGE and to top it off, there’s a massive pounding in your ear which makes things much scarier. In this moment, you know the floaters that were in the sealed brand new bottle are in your body which is causing you to die. You then, start to sweat a bit and all of the sudden…

Trying to gasp for “AIR!”

You forget to breathe and have no idea what it means to breathe so you feel like your suffocating, while you can’t see anything and you are burning up now. Then, your thoughts are “this is it” I’m going to die. Right here, alone in this apartment, by myself whilst no one knows. Ok cool, not how I pictured it. And bam, you can breathe normal again, your heart starts to slow down and your pupils are back to normal size. Oh, and you really need to take a poo. <— This does happen to some after an attack because your body is in flight for life mode and the adrenaline that gets kicked in flows through your body which can cause you to let go of bowel movement control.

Freshman year of college was the first time I have ever experienced something like that before. Later on, I found out it was clinically known as a panic attack.

I have never been more scared in my life than in moments like that. I can’t tell you how many I have had, but all I can say is, it’s embarrassing and so incredibly scary. You have no control over your body during those seconds or even minutes. Thank goodness mine have only lasted about a good minute at the longest but the worse thing about it, it happens randomly. It never comes with warning signs, it never comes after a certain thing I say, think about or even chat about.

It just happens.

I am also a hypochondriac which can be another form of anxiety, yay. But, in other words I am a ticking time bomb that is about to go off. From drinking water, to driving, to life and just eating food, my mind is so fragile sometimes I can’t even leave my bed or open my eyes. It tortures me to have anxiety and to be depressed. Also, to be a hypochondriac and to have panic attacks but you know what?

That’s life.

It happens to the best of us… or so I tell myself (; But really, living life in fear of literally everything including friendships and relationships or keeping myself alive, it’s exhausting. Which then, exhaustion can be a recipe for some anxiety so really, it’s a never-ending cycle.

I kid you not, I am giving myself anxiety right now as I am typing this. However, in order to be free from something acceptance is the first key. Speaking it out loud, hearing yourself say it, changes the whole game. And you want to know something else? Struggling through life, IS OK. Having issues, struggles and fears, it’s ok! Sitting with that and accepting where you are at, brings more healing in that moment than ignoring it and running from it for years on end.

I have to daily remind myself every morning to take a chill pill, literally my medication that my doc prescribed me because 10 years of self-help can only work so much haha. On a serious note, I am constantly talking to myself in a way of speaking truth. Reminding myself with verses, with quotes, songs, you name it. And honestly, it’s getting better each day. Yes, I have hiccups and have really low days but I snap right out of it since my mind does not have control over me anymore. I, myself will choose whether or not I will live with this issue anymore. We are called to live an abundant life, so and abundant life I shall live.

Here’s to being free, healed and alive!!




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