Moving On

You have no idea the anxiety I am getting just thinking about this shit. I am so embarrassed to share this information because my ego is like “Sierra, come on that happened years ago, get over it.” Ugh, I hate this but I know I need to do this.

Majority of us know what high school is, right?

Ok, well for me, it was not like the movies that’s for sure. It was basically hell on earth for me. No, I am not exaggerating, it was indeed hell on earth. Ask my mum.

I was bullied, left out, constantly made fun of, put down, name called, forgotten about, walked on and just plain treated like shit by my “friends.”

I too, though, bullied, put down and name called. So it was what you can call, a tango.

Uh, seriously this is so hard to type but what’s really interesting and funny is that conversations and situations are coming up like it happened yesterday.

This is for the bully and the bullied:

You’ve heard it before and should really take it into consideration of what it really means.

Do you really know their story?

It’s unfortunate for some who are in the ages between 14-17 who fail to recognize what they say can have a TREMENDOUS effect on any person, good or bad. No matter how “cool” you want to look or “shitty” your life may be. Words can give life and take life.

This is where I choose to give grace to the bullies who do not deserve grace or the benefit of the doubt because how I was treated was unacceptable. It was so unacceptable that I spiraled into a deeper darker place of depression, anxiety and minor suicidal thoughts because at the young age of 11 I was just in the early stages of depression from so many unfortanate events, to just feeling left out. My 4 years of choosing to be surrounded by these people only harmed my emotional being that much more, but during that time, I had no idea. If you think “well how could she possible still be effected, it happened long ago.” Crappy thing is, it doesn’t go away if you never talk about it. Just like anything else. I am currently still in a position with depression/anxiety but I am at the stage of seeing the light at the end of tunnel because GOD IS so so GOOD. But seriously, He is the key to freedom and He is the healer for the hurt. That’s a different blog for a different day though.

Anyway, back to high school.

I have no idea why I was treated the way I was, honestly.

I have no idea why I was too this certain sentace from someone whom I thought was my “friend and classmate.” It has haunted me for years.

Sierra, you’re a stupid bitch.”

WHAT?

Why the heck would you ever say that to someone? Why would you say that to someone who is struggling so hard, in that moment that could have been a tipping point for them. Why would you even say that in general… why do you think you can talk to someone like that? Who do you think you are? During this emotional shaking moment that was taken place during Junior English studies class, everyone had to of heard it since it was bloody loud, but funny thing again. I had “friends” in that class who didn’t say a thing or even stand up for me. Oh and that teacher that said “I’m not getting into this.” All I could think in that moment was: Haha, thanks friends oh, and helpful caring teacher, thanks for being a teacher!

Those people who were in my class, who verbally abused me, who didn’t stand up for me, they claimed to be a “family”, and signed the I love you sign” during assemably…but let’s be honest. It sounds great on paper however, family does not treat each other the way we did.

No one ever asked me what was going on, why I was pissed off all the time, why I never went to school, why I hated to be home, or why I put on a stupid awful party and invited my “friends” to it.

But… maybe you did seek out and I just didn’t hear it at the time, so I do apologize for that. From what I can clearly remember, I do not recall such act since during the various high school ages and times, it’s all about me and benefiting your status or name in a time that will go by quicker than you know…psh high school.

It’s really about who you surrounded yourself with, right? Obviously knowing that now. However, during high school, majority of us just want to be accepted by everyone. We want to be liked by everyone and be cool. So, we will do and say just about anything to be classified as a term of endearment known as cool.

Today, I don’t care about being cool, I care about others and how they feel, I care about feelings and being careful with that I say. Thus, I want to apologize to ALL the people I bullied in high school. What I did was NOT ok. It was rude, hurtful and not life-giving at all. No one ever deserves to be treated the way I treated them. I did not know better then and just reacted out of hurt. However, I do not want that to seem like an excuse. This is where I want to ask for grace, because I did not know better. We were all immature and only go off by what we know.

Now, something I want to say.

As bitter as I may have been 5 minutes ago about the people who bullied me, typing out my thoughts have really allowed a lot of clarity and just freedom, incredibly joyful freedom. I never thought I would say this or actually want this to happen but I want to forgive every person who bullied me and made me feel like shit throughout my 4 years of school. I want to forgive you because I want healing. I do not want to live in the past anymore and allow old thoughts, emotions and conversations to affect me in the here and now present. I want to forgive you because I believe you deserve it. If there’s one thing I have learned from Christs’ character, it’s forgiveness. He forgives me… He forgives me. It’s crazy to think all that I’ve done in my life, He can forgive me, especially bully people. But, I forgive because Christ forgives. I forgive because I want to not because I have to. I forgive you because well, I am finally choosing so.

Kindest regards,

Former classmate and student.

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