The struggle was real around this time last year and is still full throttle real right now on this day, in this moment, during this second of time. I wanted to post this a few weeks ago to do an update about a year change and how different life would be, how I would be out of this struggle but I’m here to say I didn’t do that. I was ashamed of myself. I was so incredibly insecure, upset and angry at myself because I didn’t meet my own dang standards I had set. for. myself… I actually haven’t been able to meet my own standards ever because my bar is too high, however that story is for a different day and different blog if I haven’t already blogged about it.
What I want to get across today is how even though it’s been a year and things “should” change, they haven’t and that’s ok! When it comes down to it I know why nothing has changed. I’ve allowed myself to be busy to my wit’s end and allow distractions to invade when I know I need to focus on the important things that will grow my faith and relationship in the Lord. I have done jack squat to be honest. I’ve prayed those prayers, “God, I want to be closer to you, help me, I want it like this x,y,z.” I look back and realize He answered my selfish prayers of x,y,z… I just became so inarguably distracted, it’s how the devil works. I also allowed my flesh to take over and repeatedly told myself I will get to it later or do it before I go to bed. HA B FREAKING S, We’ve all been there and done that.
Now to go deeper and express a little of my frustration I want to share what’s current right now in Sierra’s life. I recently found a place to live(woohoo)! That’s been such a major struggle since being back in the states, approximately 7 months to be exact but who’s counting.
Anywho, I found a place to live, I finally finally FINALLY asked for help with my anxiety and depression. Thus, I am using medicine now. It took me 10 years to do this y’all. A long and prayerful process, it came down to that and I’m so beyond thankful I asked for help.
P.S antidepressants are NOT happy pills, when someone whom has a chemical imbalance with their neurons it helps them out by balancing them out when you take certain medication(thank God for Doctors) && found out it’s not a life long issue, so this is short-term, God willing.
So now, the dirty part.
Over a week and a half ago I discovered with my mentor, I need a change in my relationship with the Lord. It wasn’t just a feeling in my mind, it was in my bones all the way deep down to my gut that ever woman wants to get rid of. It’s been a flat line between God and myself. I was sick of it and knew I was the only person who could change this outcome and or issue. I prayed and prayed and prayed. He finally answered.
The answered prayer went like this:
In the midst of being put on antidepressants, moving into my new place, losing ALL my friends and by all I mean all except my roommate, He managed to etch every close person out I.e my family members and to top it off I lost my only source of income, aka my job.
Praise God, haha, there’s a little sarcasm in that FYI. Reminder this happened to me in a matter of a 7-day time span. LIFE IS GREAT YA’LL!!!
With all that happening in a weird unexplainable(that’s how I know it’s God,) I felt this peace down in my heart that everything was going to be fine. Me being Sierra, I like to spice things up by blowing things out of proportion and think, THATS IT. MY LIFE IS OVERRRRR, WAHHHH, I HATE MY LIFE, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO. As my lip quivers and NO tears fall down from my eyes because those were surface level feelings, my head was thinking all that not my heart.
Where I’m getting at is, I felt like Job from the bible and this isn’t the first time either. Throughout this whole time and right now I feel unheard by God, pissed off, annoyed, forgotten, given the short end of the stick, etc. Right now God is answering my prayers of me wanting to trust Him and grow closer to Him. He has my full attention and I’m ALL ears. I have nothing to lose at this point. I know my Heavenly Father is going to provide even if I CANNOT SEE IT AT ALL right now at least. He is the ultimate provider for me. I’m hoping I can remember my own encouragement and this can encourage you to stay hopeful with Jesus even when times are hell. How will you react when that happens? Will you turn towards Him or turn away? Your fate is in your hands. We will always struggle and continue to struggle. There is no timeline for this, so enjoy the ride and realize you could be learning some amazing life lessons to further you in every way possible.
P.s sorry that was more than I wanted to write but it’s good to get it all out there! If you read this whole thing go get yourself a therapist because this is a lot process.