Warning: Usage of foul language occurs. I wanted to correct my vocabulary but that would be sugar-coating my words and that’s not what really happened. I let go and as upsetting it maybe to write these words, I said them so I feel I need to type them. Please excuse my french.
“Fuck this. Fuck you God. Stuff all this crap in my life. I hate this. Why are you doing this to me? Why is this happening? I thought you were good and you answered the desires of my heart. What is this bull crap. I’m over this and you.”
Yesterday when I thought that first sentence, I decided in that moment you that if God knows my thoughts before I say them. I’m going to just say it out loud to get it off my chest because you feel a whole lot better when the words are said out loud, right? Especially swearing. I rarely and I mean rarely swear these days but recently I’ve been in an “I don’t care attitude, so I’m going to swear because I feel badass.” For me, it gives me so sort of power, some sore of adrenaline rush. I wish I held back the F letter, like I usually do and just say Eff, but this time I didn’t want too. Those words spilled off my lips like it’s something I say all the time. I felt like my chest was collapsing. I seriously could not believe myself. My emotion meter was off the charts. I was so upset howver at the same time, I. did.not.care.
Were my thoughts pure? Absolutely not. Were they harsh, Absolutely. Were they raw and organic, 100% yes. Did I feel bad afterwards saying that to someone so incredibly, you know what I don’t even have words to describe someone so amazing. But no… I was too consumed by my here and now emotions I didn’t want anything to do with Him. Hurting people hurt people… No doubt I probably hurt my Heavenly Father yesterday saying those words but guess what. I had a complete no doubt in my mind conviction later that night. Here my out, conviction, not condemnation.
Jesus isn’t going to hate me because I swore at Him, about Him or too Him. If His love is truly pure and unconditional as He claims it to be, then there’s a peace that will surpass this anxious in-the-moment awful heart of mine. I swore well because I did. Christian, Atheist, Muslim, Catholic… It doesn’t matter the belief or religion, it happened and it happens. I allowed my flesh to embrace the worlds ways. I feel as if sometimes people think that because people claim to be a certain religion, they’re somehow not human… they don’t make mistakes and they don’t swear… what world are you in? Anyway.
Lately I’ve been on this journey, well my whole life it’s been a journey but recently being back from traveling my brain has realized a whole lot more and it’s been a roller coaster ride, if not crazier. No exaggerations, no blowing out of proportions, legit crazy.
Here’s my thought process in a nutshell about myself towards life, faith, friendships, and everything in-between those line. Side note: I believe everything ties together one-way or another (Something else I’m learning).
I have a bar set so incredibly high for myself I know I will never reach it because it’s truly impossible but I need to set an expectation for myself to have “goals and achieve things”. A very black and white world I live in. I never can reach that bar and I won’t ever lower it because then, that screams failure. I will forever be let down by myself, others and God.
Sounds like a fantastic way to live life, huh?
That is seriously how I see life and am still continuing to see it here and there but slowly am changing my thought process that I’ve had for over 21 years. It’s such a struggle because when something crosses my mind, bunny trails always always always happen. Thus I run, not walk my thoughts down that trail and think what I think and then just get lost in my thoughts and then, think the worst.
I know I’m not alone on this.
When that happens, I then think, well God’s going to hate me, I’m going to hell, that friendship is not going to work and I mine as well quit that job because I messed up. See how that’s efficient in every way? NO NO NO NO!
It’s funny because I would have people I trusted with my thoughts and ways and think “oh they wouldn’t lie, they wouldn’t tell me otherwise”. Well that’s a lie in itself because they’re human. My expectation on others is that they need to be perfect since I think that about myself. Makes sense, right? NO. After realizing that, just because they claim certain things, does not mean that they know all the answers or they won’t sugar coat some things. That’s why you literally need to take majority of everything that someone says to you with a grain of salt. Putting them on a pedestal of perfection is an unreal move to do since NO ONE is perfect and they WILL let you down.
I’m going tie this back around, don’t worry, here I go.
God is perfection. Whether you think there’s a God or not. “Hypothetically” speaking for those who have no found Christ yet, just think for a hot second, God is the definition of perfect. He will NEVER let you down, betray you, abandon you, cheat on you, and lie to you because He. is. love. He is unconditionally gracious. You’re probably thinking ok, cool… my point being, is that He knows our thoughts before we have them. He knows you’re going to make mistakes, habitually. He knows you’re going to get angry with Him because you’re not getting your way right now. Trying to comprehend Him is impossible. His ways are higher than ours because He is God, the creator of Heaven and Earth.
Ok, so in a sense it is perfectly normal that you have those thoughts and feel those feelings. You’re feeling, you’re human, it’s in your DNA! As I said earlier, those thoughts are NOT pure, they’re NOT of God but they happened, I thought them, I said them, I moved on. I repented that moment; I have faith that I am forgiven because God’s love for me is nothing of this world. It’s having faith in the unknown. Heck I may actually not be forgiven, but honestly I don’t doubt that I am not. He promised that He will remember our sins no more once we are saved in Christ Jesus. He will tell us all about us when we reach the pearly gates, but in the mean time, instead of beating myself up about that disgusting moment. I need to move on and embrace the arms of grace, love and forgiveness that my Heavenly Father will always be giving me.
Despite what your pastor, siblings, parents, counselors preach about God and how we cannot talk to Him a certain way or whatever it maybe, God is your HEAVENLY FATHER! COME TO HIM AS YOU ARE. Pissed, drunk, high, broken, addicted whatever your state of mind may be, come to Him because all He wants to do is shower you in His unconditional love, grace and forgiveness. You are His BELOVED! I tend to forget all this but right now i’m reminding myself and soaking in this truth. If it’s not now though, if you’re too stubborn to need help from someone so amazing, (like myself) rock bottom rocks your world and not in the good way. God, the air, the universe whatever you think may be in control, He, or it will do anything to get your attention, trust me. Once the attention is noticed get ready because the light at the end of the tunnel you thought was dark, could possibly more dark but the light you expierence after that storm will be worth it.
Don’t know until you try!
It could shine maybe even for eternally, who knows. In the mean time, relax, don’t sugar coat because you’re talking to the creator of the earth (or the air) just be you. Broken, sailors mouth, obsessive, stubborn, selfish, rude, you.
ps. Once you come to know Christ, life is NOT going to be perfect, but your heart and ways will become more like Him. Loving, gracious, patient, etc. && you. will. struggle. just like I am now and that’s ok!!! Seasons, come and go. Just like my potty mouth and angry heart. I know I am a joyful smiley person, it’s just not the season for me right now & that’s ok!