It’s going to be six months in the middle of next week, of gathering two suitcases up and leaving for an adventure I’ve been itching for. Me, be the planner that I am, I was already anxiously planning on writing a six month update on the day of but a revelation happened tonight and I feel the need to share it. I am a week early, however, before we know it, it’ll already be here.
When I first arrived, I went on an adventure down to the coast to see some beautiful scenery. I was able to see a glimpse of the ocean and I remember I specifically said, “Oh yah, God you did good, you’re beautiful, this is beautiful”, trying to stir up my emotions so I can show God that I appreciate Him. In my heart, I did not really mean it, In a way I only said it because it sounded good it sounded right. Have you ever done that before? Say something because it sounds good, when in reality you don’t even mean it. Well, you’re not alone! Now that I am thinking about it right now, that actually breaks my heart to know that I lied to God in a way.He knows my everything thought, He knows my every word and yet I still thought I could cover it up or make it sound appreciative because that’s what I’ve heard other “Christian” people say when they see nature or something beautiful? Not cool dude
Anyway, after several events happening of being attacked by the enemy and have it be so tough at many points where I almost literally packed my bags, got up and left. I reminded myself that I traveled all the way across the world to come experience Jesus and I was going to give up that easy. Yes, I did almost do that but I am so thankful I didn’t do that because if I did, I wouldn’t have had the realization that I just had, tonight.
Tonight, this sermon really spoke to me, like it really spoke to me with a lot of meat, it made me look outside this bubble that I usually keep myself looking in. I began to feel emotions, sad emotions to be honest. It’s been six months and I am here at a breaking point. Throughout these six months, I have doubted God, I haven’t trusted God, I haven’t seeked God as much as I thought I was going too, I haven’t really engaged with God as much as I thought I would have at six months. I have been at such an all time low, I not only doubted God and his power but also, I even questioned His existence and yelled at Him about it. Let me tell you, when that thought crossed my mind, I knew I was at an all time low, I knew that I am more lost than ever, I am more confused, broken, anxious, worried, distressed, angered, the list goes on and on.
I was and am still a little upset at myself for that. I am upset that I even allowed myself to think that thought; I am upset that I even yelled those words to God. I also am upset at myself because I set this bar for myself, of where I would be, in my walk with the Lord and I feel further away than I did before I even set foot here in Oz. (short for Australia)
Since day 1 I have been alone, not lonely just alone. I’ve made one really good friend who lives where I used to live, but since I moved, that’s unfortunate. I haven’t been able to find a good church that I connect with, I haven’t found any life-giving people to surround myself with, which then entails me to become bitter towards God and the questions start to come forward as always.
“Ok God, if this was apart of your plan, why have I not found a church? You know I need community, you even say it in the bible. Why do I not have any friends that I can count on here? Why am I attracting the wrong kind of people? Why is this so tough, Lord? It shouldn’t be this tough, should it? GOD, ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME? I AM ALONE, IN A WHOLE OTHER DIFFERENT COUNTRY, ARE YOU EVEN WITH ME? Lord my family and I prayed about all these specifics before I left, and it’s about 5 months in, what’s the deal?” You get my point.
I decided since I didn’t have a church or community to help, I’d do it on my own. I’ll search questions, read the bible, figure it out my of why I am the way I am, why there’s so much brokenness between God and I. I’ll do research, I’ll pray on it and it will be better. Yeah… ok, is what I would’ve told myself if I could go back in time.
Now, it was about an hour ago when I finished this sermon and had an incredible life-changing realization. I decided to go take a shower because for some reason, showering helps me think and process things; it’s weird, whatever! I came to realization that I have been so selfish this whole time. I decided since God was not working as fast as I wanted Him too, I decided to take control and do things my way. Figure everything out on my own, answer all my own questions and think life will be better. I came to realization that I don’t trust God, I don’t agape God, I don’t actually seek God as much as I think, I don’t pray as much as I think I do. I tell myself I am going to do all that but actually I get distracted and shove it under the rug. The perks of allowing the enemy in that foothold, not a good thing.
Let’s stop right here. I encourage you to watch the sermon I correlate this writing with you have a better understanding of this. It’s too long to write out my other thoughts and about the sermon because I am not JK. Rowling, I am Carrie Bradshaw, I write short stories not novels. However, this one could be a novel but this one is an exception (link is down below).
I realized that right here right now, in this moment, I still want to know who God is. I still want understand who this God is, that I hear my other friends talk about, I want to understand how His love is agape and how He is perfect. I still want to figure out how He is constantly forgiving and is never angry. And you know what, I may not have reached the place where I thought I would be, I may not have touched the bar or even came close but the desires that I am having to know God more, even if that’s only something that happens once a week, that is enough. I’m not at the agape stage yet, and for those who don’t know what agape is: Greek for love. Agape love is self-sacrifice. It is unique and is distinguished by its nature and character. Jesus is constantly providing us agape love and even though we may not return it right now, THAT’S OK. HE UNDERSTANDS! This is where I am going to provide myself a tremendous amount of Grace. Even though I am not at the bar or are not on fire for the Lord, at least I am here now and in order to get there (on fire for Jesus) I need to be here. (I am enough, where I am at is good enough, what I am feeling is enough)
I don’t usually like talking about myself like this. It makes me uncomfortable. I feel selfish and I don’t like the attention on me. But if I am going to be blogging about my opinions I need to get use to it. If I am going to be blogging about my journey and my walk with the Lord, then I need to get use to it. That’s not even it though. From realizing this tonight and writing this all down, feeling the need to do this, I feel like I am not alone. Whoever reads this, christian, atheist, catholic, whatever your beliefs may be, in some way this could be useful to your life, right now. As Christ-followers we are called to share our testimony’s and share our trials, tribulations, our blessings and revelations. At this moment I am being completely vulnerable, raw and organic with you. It may take myself the rest of my time here to become even a little bit on fire for the Lord or it may even take me 3 more years but right now, right here, this is all that matters. Take this as you may but please, understand this, wherever you are right now, no matter if you believe in God or not, YOU ARE ENOUGH. You need to be here to get there.
- Pray: even if you don’t feel anything or don’t even think God is there; that’s why it’s called faith. Have HOPE that He is because hope is in Christ and Christ is in you.
- Slow down: Your faith comes first, otherwise you’re in a whirlwind for crap.
- Keep showing up: Keep pursuing, keep following, keep seeking. Be adamant. Before you know it the Lord will release you from the wrestling match that you’ve been in with Him and you’ll see Him and His works.
Here’s to not meeting the bar you set but for once, providing yourself Grace in the moment that you most need it. If you don’t know Grace you don’t know God and if you don’t know God you don’t know Grace. So if you want to know and understand what Grace is, maybe check out this guy called Jesus. So far through this very very very rocky journey, I still somehow have this urge to understand and know this God a little more each day. You don’t know until you try. And if you have tried, try again.