Anxiety, it can be a never-ending, windy, up and down road. It can and will be in every crack and crevice of your life if you allow it. If you don’t destroy it in that moment it will spread like a wild-fire. Break you down, kill you, until there’s nothing left. In other words, the enemy can have that foothold, take it, run with it and destroy everything in you and have you then be afraid of the one you should fear in the most glorious way possible.
I decided to take this adventure to not only experience The Creator in a deeper way but also work on myself, starting from the inside out. I needed that, I wanted that and I am glad I bought that ticket.
I did not grow up with anxiety; I had no fear for anything, except spiders. (Coming to Oz, my fear became that much bigger, because the spiders here are Harry Potter size) I also did not grow up panicking. My parents brought me up with the mindset of you’re fine; rub some dirt on it, tough love. However, the older and more independent I am becoming, the more fearful I am in everything. All this may sound so silly but that’s what happens when you depend on someone or something that is not Holy or Sovereign. You become so scared that even thinking about going outside makes your heart stop. It has been so tough for me on this journey, since Australia is a beautiful breath taking place, I want to go out and bask in the warm sunshine but my anxiety had so much control over me that there were days I couldn’t go outside or even drink water, it was that bad. I’m still embarrassed by saying that but accepting is the first step of recovering.
No, I’ve never been in AA but that’s something they would say, right?
I think that’s actually a line in Bridesmaids.
I would sit in my bed and complain. I would complain to God about how I’m not happy, I’m not having fun, life is boring, it sucks, I’m mad at him because of my current situation and that I just want to go home. After my many sleepless nights and mind-racing days, I realized how ungrateful I was. The Lord provided me an amazing opportunity and all I did was complain and complain and complain. RUDE.
It’s funny and annoying at the same time when you don’t see the whole picture of why you are where you are until you’re somewhere else and can look back and say, “whoa, I needed to be there to get here, ironic.” It’s learning to be content in every situation, easier said then done, I know. It becomes a song lyric though, if you keep hearing it and repeating it, you’ll know it by heart and then can just say it with confidence. I hate that I have so much anxiety; I have no idea where it came from. It kills the joy, the fun, the excitement and the memorable moments that I want to cherish but also forget because I was ungrateful most the time.
Hear me out, I’m not saying life is peachy keen now and I love life. Yes at times, I become weak but in those moments I really try to remember that if my life is built on sand, it will sink with the oncoming waves. However, if it’s built on rock, I can and will overcome those waves. It’s deciding whether or not I want to have a solid foundation in this present moment.
It still has not hit me that I am in Australia, it also bums me out that I cannot even be the least bit excited about this but overtime I know I can have Joy returned into my heart because out of my own free will I choose to have Jesus daily. With that choice comes anxiety-free days, enjoyable cherished moments, great sleep and a peaceful mindset. BUT, if I don’t choose Jesus daily, which I do struggle with, I then, become panicked, stressed beyond words and ill. That’s not enjoyable and that’s definitely not how I want to spend or remember my time here being below the equator.
To be continued…