I Am So Selfish

I stumbled upon this movie that came out in 2013 called Grace Unplugged. It’s about a girl who was brought up in a Christian household with an ex rock star dad who had a tough past with living that rock star lifestyle. He later on became saved and it turned his whole life around. His daughter was being a rebellious teenager at the time and wanted to do what she wanted to do. Grace had a taste of that rock star life and what happened behind the scenes as well. She became very distant with God and was just running away from Him and her problems. I don’t want to spoil it too much for you because it is a must see film, so I will stop there. Anyways, let me make my point that I want to cross.

I came to Australia because I thought God was “calling me here”. He provided literally every dollar for this trip and everything was falling into place. In a matter of 3 weeks, I bought a plan ticket, found a family to nanny and left. I arrived in Australia and I thought I was going to be blown away, I was going to be so happy and life was just going to be better. Not the case, I was just as miserable… maybe even more. After 24 hours of traveling, I could not believe I did that. I dropped everything, my problems, school, relationships; I ran away from everything and left.

Again, I thought God was calling me to this place because it happened in such a weird way and so quick. He absolutely could have provided this whole trip for me and wanted me to come here, but in the end we have consequences for every choice we have, good or bad. The grass is never greener on the other side, life is not better because of your circumstance, it’s how content you are with the situation you are in at the moment. I was definitely not content with my situation before coming here. I felt stuck and needing something else though, I was craving something more. I was craving to experience Jesus in a deeper more intimate way than how I use to experience Him. If you follow my blog, I have mentioned multiple times that I have experienced Him in ways I never thought was possible here. I’ve seen His work be done in front of my own eyes. Every day I am learning something new and most the time I’ve only been frustrated it seemed. A friend of mine reminded me that God is not of frustration; He is of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control.

However, there was this one special time I actually did feel real genuine joy and happiness but that was only one time. It was for a split second, and with that feeling being so overwhelming and random, I did tear up because it was actual authentic true joy from the Holy Spirit Himself. I have not felt that feeling in years, that ended up being by far the greatest moment of my trip thus far. Apart from that moment though, my feelings have been over all just blah, I haven’t been happy here nor with myself. I have been getting my happiness from my circumstance, I was getting my joy from traveling because that’s what I saw on social media, others traveling and life seemed so much better for them. I wanted that kind of happiness, I wanted happiness from materialistic stuff, and I wanted my happiness from this world, from buying a plane ticket and go to an amazing place. BUT YOU CANNOT GET REAL HAPPINESS FROM THIS BROKEN WORLD. I have no idea why I thought I could, but my selfish sinful flesh thought otherwise. I also said I wanted my happiness from Jesus because it sounds good in the moment. That’s what every believer is supposed to say, right? I did mean it though, truly, deep down I really do want my happiness from Him but the thing is I think I wanted that more than I wanted Jesus on the surface level… ouch. Somehow He still gave me Australia though… I am still figuring out why because if I were Him, I wouldn’t have given this opportunity to me. I may have had all the right intentions, however I believe God allowed me to come here to have me see; Ok sierra, you wanted to experience me more, well hold on tight because I will give you exactly what you are asking for. When you ask God for help and ask for a revelation, you better watch what you say and mean what you say because He does not play around. Don’t be scared of that though, you’re not supposed to fear God in that way. You should be excited and ready but I didn’t really think about that in the moment, I just wanted something else and it happened. I have become so selfish and wanted to fix my own problems myself, with no other help, I did want Jesus though just when I needed Him. That’s not how He works, He wants us to want Him ALL the time, good and bad, all day every day.

My feelings were not matching up to my own expectations and I’ve become very frustrated with God. I started asking those questions again, why? This sucks, I hate Australia, Can I just go home? I want to run away again because life is tough and not what I thought it was going to be. Reality check, when you are living your life for Jesus, you need to expect the unexpected because with Him he goes above and beyond for His children that He loves oh so dearly. Even if we make mistakes, use Him, hurt Him, or are selfish and want to do what we want to do. HE STILL FORGIVES. After rereading this whole blog, I have thought about it and I do know why God has brought me here, why He allowed me to still come and that is… to be continued.


Just know this, He will use any situation for the good of His kingdom, whether it is your own choosing out of selfishness or submitting and following Jesus, good can come from anything! God is good all the time and all the time HE IS GOOD.

xoxo,

BCD

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