Day after day, night after night, breath after breath, literally it is a constant battle I have been having with myself since day 1. It is not just a surface level problem anymore it is affecting every part of my body, mind and spirit. Each day it feels as if something else is going to go wrong, I am almost preparing for the worst each day and I can hardly go outside anymore. It’s so incredibly frustrating, I want to just forget this whole travel excursion, go home and sulk in my problems. No, because in the name of Jesus, all of what I just said are lies, they are lies from the pit of hell.
It has come to my conclusion that I cannot trust anyone; because I can’t even trust the King Himself. I have never experienced more spiritual warfare IN MY LIFE. The enemy is prominent, so real, It’s mind blowing, it is scary and it is reality. He is just as real as Christ Himself. I knew he was real but after experiencing the daily thoughts, feelings and fears that I have been having, I have actually allowed him in that foothold and he has come full throttle, real. I am at a point of weakness. Jesus I need you, I need your help.
I ask myself, “God would You really want this for me? Would you really cause all this? Why would You want me living in such an idolatry place when my faith is not even that strong? Well the answer to that is, God is good all the time and all the time He is good. He does not cause any of my fears, worries, anxiety attacks, nightmares, or spiritual attacks. However, He does allow certain situations to come about and to show us, who are we going to trust? Him or Satan? Obviously, for the past couple of days now I have been listening to all those vile lies because if it’s coming to the point where its taking the Joy out of everything and I don’t even want to go outside to see this beautiful place, something is wrong, my choices are not right and I’m not living life to the fullest, nor am I glorifying the new day that my oh so generous Father has given me. Life has been so hard here; I am not complaining I am just experiencing life in a way I have never known life could be experienced. As I said earlier, I have had days where I just want to move home and just stop fighting this battle. Actually, let me correct myself I, I want to stop fighting this battle, who said I need to do anything? Jesus promised Himself to all of us, “He will never leave us nor forsake us NO MATTER WHAT” Deuteronomy 31:6. “And cast all your cares upon Him” 1 Peter 5:7. && this “battle” I keep mentioning, Jesus has already won the war, I am just allowing the enemy to win. Jesus is just waiting for us to run to Him and just trust Him. I have not trusted Him this whole time since being here, or at least hasn’t. It really is so much easier said than done, however, you keep reminding yourself it will happen, just like knowing song lyrics you know them without even hearing the music. You’ll be able to trust Jesus without hesitation, just be patient.
Temporarily moving here I had no idea what I was actually getting myself into you, and you honestly never really know until you are in the situation. We are called to give thanks, give thanks in every situation and I am constantly reminding myself to give thanks for the attacks, the spiritual warfare, nightmares and sticky situations. Understand this, I am not giving thanks for the bad that it has caused, I am simply thankful for the awareness I have towards it all because at the end it only directs me to one man and one way, and that is Jesus. I run to Him with tear-stained cheeks and a broken heart. He is the healer of my pain and the giver of unconditional Grace.
I know I have mentioned a lot since being here about how hard its been and how it’s too tough, I only do that because those are my daily struggles I deal with, I know I am not alone in that either. I am just making myself be consciously aware of whats going on and really go the root to fix it so it does not have control over me anymore. I asked for it and He is most definitely giving it to me more than I actually anticipated. I do appreciate it because at the end of the day if I am not getting attacks, having those thoughts or feelings, how am I suppose to rely on Jesus, how am I suppose to cry out for His help, if life is peachy keen? I wouldn’t need Him, if life were good all the time. “He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand.”1 Corinthians 10:13 that too, is a promise. Each day I wake up, my mom is constantly reminding me to put on the armor of God, because if you don’t what is happening to me, could happen to you. Please, be wise and always, always put on the full armor of God, take every thought captive and know that the enemy is out there to seek, kill and destroy. You are a overcomer, I am an overcomer. Give everything to the Lord, take it to the cross and know it is a daily process, you will not get better over night, but each day it is one step closer. Trust, keep trusting and pushing onward, focus on the light, not the dark. Pray for a teachable and trust worthy heart/mind. Last but not least, God is good ALL THE TIME and ALL THE TIME He is good. Go, enjoy and rejoice in this day for all your worries and fears are already taken care of, give thanks to the King Himself and just live the abundant life you were called to live (:
Don’t forget to smile & look up.