No editing, no revising, no auto-correct, no nothing. All organic and real: Here it is. I finally received my letter from FIT(Fashion Institute of Technology), and I was denied. In these moments that I am thinking, the last thing I want to be doing is blogging but it’s relieving a lot of my emotions and I want to be completely organic about this situation. When I read sorry we regret to inform you your application cannot pass for spring semester of 2015. My heart dropped, I was so confused. So many emotions were going through my body and my mind. It goes back to a couple weeks ago, everything I needed to do before I left for NY, everything was checked off my list. So that gave me a lot of affirmation that NY was my next stop, clearly not from that letter. However before I end there, I want to tell you what I did during this process. I never have really actually seeked God out in a situation, especially something like this, my future. I was seeking in Him, reading the word, non-stop prayer, asking for more clarity, to remove any negative thoughts and if I was going to get denied to not have my apply. Because going through my 5th denial from school was going to so hurtful. However He knows how much we can take and clearly He thinks I can handle this rejection. I felt pretty positive and confident I actually had an opportunity to get in, yes I had that doubt of not getting any but anyone has that fear of trusting the unknown. It’s our human nature to doubt but it is a choice to believe that or not. I tried so hard to give those doubts to the Lord and just have Him take them captive, and he did. I have bought a lot of stuff already for New York; things ill need for my apartment, etc. I then realized today I should probably buy a ticket soon because prices will start going up the closer Jan 20th gets. I didn’t buy it yet though because I wanted to see what day would work for my mom or sister to come out with me, so I wanted to accommodate their needs. I then was like oh yah check the mail; see if your letter came in. I go and check; there it is, in the mail. My FIT acceptance letter, I knew I had it in the bag. I couldn’t stop smiling I was like this is it! Sorry we regret to inform you, that you have been denied from FIT spring 2015 semester. My heart sunk and I lost it. So confused, of course my first question is, why God? What happened? What did I do wrong? This was totally out of left field and I am still confused. I told my close friend what just happened and she called me. She told me to not be hurt, she told me to understand that God has something that much better planned for you because with Him, He only provides good and only wants good for His children. I cannot disagree with Her on this part, because that’s one of His promises too. I am just so upset because I really thought He was calling me to this, I really thought New York was my next stop on this journey, but its not. Or maybe it is, just not FIT. I did blame God for a split second because I seeked Him out through this whole situation and was given this answer. It sucks, it really does. However blaming God is not the answer, I need to and am seeking Him right this second, as to why this happened and what is next? I had no plan B. because that I how set I was on going to New York. I’ve told all my close friends, family members, in-laws, and it really sucks now. However if I am not ready, if I’m going to be miserable, if I’m going to loose my identity, I do not want to go then. Why? Because my identity is not in New York or FIT. It is in Jesus Christ! So then you ask, well what is she going to do now? I have no answer for you, right now at least. I am going to continue to seek God in this fall break I am on and figure that out. Just because this tough bump came into my life, doesn’t mean I am giving up on the creator of this world. I am overcomer, I am righteous and I will remain in Him. I know He is going to provide me with a bright future and something way better then FIT. Because when it is the Lord providing, it is way better then our own plan. I could be in the fashion world, I could be somewhere else, but wherever I am I want to be glorifying the Kingdom and that’s that. Yes i am sad, hurt, angry, confused and happy. It is ok to feel, it is to have emotions however if they are directed to God, you might want to rethink why that is. He’s only trying to protect you because you are so precious to Him. So i am happy that this didn’t happen, because if it was going to break me down i would not want to go through that hurt. I know He is going to provide me a future so that is going to be my focus, Him. So when times get tough and things don’t go your way or the way you thought God was leading you, don’t give up on Him. That’s the challenge, if things get tough, are you going to turn on Him or are you going to turn to Him?
To be continued…
Big City Dreamer