Facing my fears of being vulnerable, so here we go:
Years ago, my identity was stripped from me. I could not be alone, being alone meant I was a loser, I didn’t have purpose and I was scared to death being alone. Literally, anxiety attacks took the best of me during those years. I never thought I would be that person who goes to Starbucks and enjoys me time, being in no rush and just reading blogs all day. Well that was me today. I was so content being there and was not feeling embarrassed about sitting alone ,I just was enjoying the time of being in the presences of myself. I have learned so much over these past couple of years being in college. You really do learn lot about yourself once you go and live on your own. I have learned it is ok to be alone; it is ok to be independent. Why? Because people will let you down and especially people whom you thought were suppose to be your friends. I learned to not depend on people for really anything, not to have expectations for others and learning to only get my happiness from my one and only, Heavenly Father. Actually that last part was not true for me at first, I became addicted to shopping, as silly as that sounds it’s a true addiction. It’s the worst, because I was only 18 when I became in debt and was spending money that I didn’t even have out of the wazoo. My happiness came from materialistic items such as; clothes, shoes, make up and pampering myself. Every time a package came in the mail or I bought these items, that rush of adrenaline would spike and I loved that feeling. I felt like a new person every time new clothes came in. Later on, that feeling of happiness and adrenaline wasn’t enough (cliché, but so true). I wasn’t getting that satisfaction anymore and became lost in myself. My identity was in clothing and making purchases for items I didn’t even need, I just wanted those items because I had that fulfillment for a split second.
After having those emotions and feelings come to surface, I was like hmm… I should not be getting my identity from pieces of clothing’s or shoes, I should know where my identity is(being brought up in a Christian home). They’re not forever, Jesus is. Yes, Jesus is forever, and so that day after being so empty and sad I decided I was going to stop what I was doing and make a change. I surrendered myself to the creator and stopped living this selfish Christian life. Because I started being of the world, when we believers are meant to be in the world (Romans 12:2). I stopped letting the enemy feed me these lies about being alone, having no friends and where my worth is. I have never really experienced heartbreak personally but I would say I experienced it through friends who had it or from my own friendships. I never understood the whole “ if we break up my world is done”. Like, why in the world no pun intended, would you give someone your world when they don’t deserve that much? That’s so much pressure on one human because they cannot handle another world because they already have their own. Having each other as idols is not ok (Exodus 20:4) Once you have broken up and have put your identity into that person, what is left? Nothing. Your identity has been stripped. That’s why you should not and cannot get your happiness from someone else but only through Christ Jesus can you get pure Joy and Happiness. That’s a promise He made for us. I am not saying that person cannot make you happy because if you aren’t happy with them why are you with them? I am simply saying don’t get your whole happiness from them, don’t make them your world because they are human and will let you down, especially when you least expect it.
So ask yourself, where is your identity? Your boyfriend? Your girlfriend? Shopping? Your best friend? School? Snowboarding? Your job? Partying? Jesus? If you answered anything but Jesus… well I am sorry to tell you, but you will not be happy after a while. That type of happiness from those materialistic items or items of this world, will only bring you temporary happiness. However Jesus Christ, the Lord of Lords, King of Kings, Alpha and Omega, Abba Father, the creator of the Heaven and earth is and should be where your identity comes from, you will have unconditional happiness from Him. I’d say that’s pretty dang cool!! So learn to be alone, learn to go to Starbucks or any other place by yourself and just enjoy it. Learn to eat dinner alone and go to the movies. IT’S OK! You do not need a significant other to be happy or to not be alone, that’s just what society has told us and I am telling you, that’s a bunch of BULL CRAP! I have never really had an actual boyfriend (another story, for another time) or a friend I can rely on, So what did I do? I decided to put my big girl pants on and do my own thing. From 2 years ago, when I graduated high school, to now being a sophomore in college I did a 180-degree swap. I never thought I would be where I am today and talking the way I am or even thinking the way I am. The Lord has mended my heart so incredibly much and He really can change your life!! I get so much happiness just typing this, where before I would never be saying this or for that matter, typing this blog. I don’t need a boyfriend, a friend, a sibling, a parent, going to parties, a materialistic item, technology or the enemy defining who I am. I know where I stand with that and it will not change. It will be hard and will not be easy, but it won’t emotionally destroy you or screw you over. He will never leave you nor forsake you.
Ok, let’s summarize this. I was so not independent when I was younger, I was afraid of being alone, I needed to be around people, needed to always be talking and I was a child of God. Now, November 18, 2014, in this present moment of me typing this I am… independent (almost too independent, hehe), I am content on being alone, I am single and ok with that, I love to people-watch, I love to just listen to others and not say anything, my identity is NOT in shopping and I am still and will always be a child of God; who also happens to be my love and my number 1 priority. So society, stick that in your juice box and suck it.
Big City Dreamer